Long Straight Highway - Latest Comments

Re: Story #22: Ice (and others)

leafmuncher — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:29:30 -0000

@ Eggs: This story is brilliant. (Read it out loud to Anna again)

Liked: I loved the theme of the story, which I took to be that of learning to be happy with what you have instead of risking what you have to try to get more. I loved the cadence of the story, and I found it to remind me (but not in any derivative way, more like you should write fucking movies) of the Stranger Than Fiction voiceovers. (Love the phrase "iced in yellow" as well.)

Disliked: Once again, I can't really find anything to dislike about this story. Nicely done.

Re: Story #22: Ice (and others)

leafmuncher — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 02:25:00 -0000

@ The Way of Things in America

Gosh, gee, I'm tickled pink - and honored at having made my debut appearance in a story of yours. And a very funny story at that.

Liked: I just loved the way you portrayed the cannibals. Exquisitely done. I really liked the part about the Cannibals eating hot dogs and fruit, I laughed at loud.

Disliked: Honestly, nothing stood out to me negatively in this story.

Re: Story #22: Ice (and others)

leafmuncher — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:21:54 -0000

Ah gotcha. I'd always sort of noticed it, but only today decided to do anything about it.

On the plus side, it means I have at least 21 stories ahead of me to look forward to.

Re: Story #22: Ice (and others)

shanusmagnus — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 18:44:41 -0000

I started posting them from the beginning, so you could follow the
trajectory. So while I am writing them every day, there's a delay
before you see them.

The dates have been this way the whole time, you realize.

Re: Story #22: Ice (and others)

leafmuncher — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 18:23:08 -0000

Hey, slightly confused over the dates. The latest story shows "11-16-09", which is like three weeks ago. I was under the impression you were writing these in real time, but perhaps not?

Re: Story #22: Ice (and others)

leafmuncher — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:04:13 -0000

@Coupon

(Read it out loud to Anna for a bedtime story, and she said she liked it)

Liked: The first-person narrative really worked for me, and I love the Compassionate God King stories in general. Funny, clever, spunky.

Disliked: The ending was abrupt to me, but maybe that's just because I wanted it to go on.

Re: Story #22: Ice (and others)

leafmuncher — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 08:11:23 -0000

@Unit of Importance

Liked: I really liked how much space and time the story covered in a very short amount of writing. It was epic. My favorite part is the time in Argentina, because you can feel the tension building towards something. Very nicely written.

Disliked: The "How are the most medial neurons in your hippocampus?" line is a bit obtuse. Like I don't even understand what he's asking. And I know that was sort of the point, but I think there might be a better question to pose there.

Re: Story #22: Ice (and others)

leafmuncher — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 02:46:18 -0000

First of all, congratulations on your streak. The only things I've ever done every day in a month, well, let's just say I'm not too proud of them.

@ICE

Liked: You captured the Scottish accent of GT nicely.
Disliked: This was pure pulp-sci-fi to me, I didn't get it or feel it. Sorry.

Typo: "Had blown *threw* his eye socket"

Re: Story #21: Fucking Well Getting To The Bottom Of It

leafmuncher — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:16:24 -0000

Liked: The absurdity of the story, but how at the same time it seemed perfectly normal. I loved the part where he answers emails at work for Tim. I also feel like you're really finding your voice (or one of many) and getting comfortable and highly skilled with it.

Disliked: I feel like you can write these sorts of stories in your sleep (which is pretty amazing, not a bad thing), so I'm really looking for the standouts. Written in the same vein, the bridge story stuck out much more to me. And please, can we have one story without basketball? I know, I'm whiny and demanding.

Re: Story #20: Bridge

leafmuncher — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 02:50:41 -0000

Liked: I really liked this one. The tone, the rhythm, the dialog, all really great. I think my favorite part was his relationship with the girl and the whole Wisconsin thing. Really nice done. I even read it again to Anna out loud and it confirmed the great flow.

Disliked: If I had to pick on something, maybe the whole digression about his job and the merger was a bit flow-breaking.

Re: Story #19: What You Would Say Is Love

leafmuncher — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 02:46:23 -0000

Dude, what the fuck? I'm lonely and cold without #20.

Re: Story #14: The Difference Between A Redwood And A Sequoia

houlios — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 00:08:56 -0000

This was awesome: "Superninja thought about killing them all. He could do it in nine seconds, kill the cameraman last, leave Lynn alive to witness it, to tell everyone how he tore through them like a man in fast-forward, how he delivered temple-blows so precisely that their corpses fell unmarred, a whole store full of beautiful sleeping people with shit in their pants." Really, really cool. Obviously, I loved the fact that he was a real badass ninja and I loved all the throw-away references to old missions and the "undead legions of Wang-tan" and stuff like that. Very entertaining. Kinda reminded me of a Quentin Tarantino story.

For some reason him going out with Lynn seemed not very believable. I'm not sure why but that stuck out to me as awkward.

Re: Story #13: The Chinese Hate Us

houlios — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 23:54:24 -0000

Lots of really funny parts, arguing about shit in the ways that I recognize always makes me giddy. I also liked the ending this time, I felt I got some payoff.

Disliked - I thought Carl could've been fleshed out a bit more or he could've just been left out. As it was, he didn't add much, but I am nitpicking mostly just to come up with something I disliked about this story. It was really funny.

Re: Story #12: Breaking Camp

houlios — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 23:40:31 -0000

I loved the bit about the coffee and the "final insult." Made me laugh out loud.

Disliked the ending, again. I am so predictable.

Re: Story #11: Red and Blue

houlios — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 23:32:04 -0000

I liked this one a lot too. But generally I like your genre stories a lot.

I liked pretty much everything about it: The dialogue, the dystopian setting, the characterization of Saunders, the violence.

I didn't like the ending though, as usual, I want more explanation and/or payoff, a lot of times the endings are too abrupt IMO.

Re: Story #10: More Or Less Drunk

houlios — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 23:17:04 -0000

I liked that it made me sad, but sad in a good way, if you get my drift.

I agree with Leafmuncher, the dudes needed more differentiation.

Re: Story #19: What You Would Say Is Love

Eden — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:55:50 -0000

Is it cheating for me to comment about these? I have to do it for this one -- it's one of my favorites.

There is so much to like, it irritates me to boil it down to just one thing, but I'll go with the characterization and dialogue (which I'll combine with "and" to make it a single thing). Both are so honest and so genuine and so utterly without judgment. I felt like I was eavesdropping on two actual people and I was honestly stunned and disappointed when the story ended because I wanted to listen to them talk for longer. I also like the untold stories of both their lives.

As for a dislike -- I think the ending wrapped up a bit too neatly. I'd like to see it a little more open-ended because this story just kind of calls for it. He looks for closure and gets it... sort of... but a bunch of other stuff is opened up at the same time. I'd like the ending to have that feeling to it.

Really killer job on this one.

Re: Story #19: What You Would Say Is Love

leafmuncher — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:59:42 -0000

I can't believe you made my wife a whore. And I love how the guy's sister is Karina.

Liked: The first paragraph really drew me into the story, and the entire thing had a nice cadence to it. Anna tells her story well, and her "syntax" is nicely Russian-flavored.

Disliked: I was hoping for a bang for an ending, some interesting twist, but the flaw could be in the reader. The whole thing had a consistent vibe to it, sort of like a Catcher in the Rye flavor, so maybe it was just my short-attention span 21st century brain wanting a bit more "ka-pow" to the ending.

Re: Story 18: Rubik

leafmuncher — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 05:11:51 -0000

I quite liked this one. I read it half way through and then had to start over once I figured out what was going on.

Liked: i liked how the primary device isn't introduced at the beginning (gods, teleportation). The divine dialog is really nice, spunky and funny.

Disliked: I found the deer vignette a bit confusing, like where they were. I didn't get the "flyface" thing. The final vignette wasn't as "crisp" as the other ones.

Re: Story #17: An Intervention for Party Bob

janie — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:29:43 -0000

Well at least I'm persistent...here are some comments, hopefully nominally coherent.

liked: the sparse detail was visually effective for me. This was notable I think, becasuse there was such little emphasis on the visual details that poofy chair and unshaved hair really mattered.

disliked: it felt like it meandered into several different ideas without staying with any of them

Re: CW0809 Writing Contest, or, Where I’ve Been

MonicaHov — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:50:40 -0000

I agree with both of Houle's comments. Fun story but the ending felt like you didn't have time to finish.

Re: Story #17: An Intervention for Party Bob

leafmuncher — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 05:58:14 -0000

Ok, I didn't really get this one.

Liked: the last paragraph.

Disliked: ifelt like the whole thing was sort of an inside joke that I wasn't privy to.

Re: Story #16: Revelation The Second

leafmuncher — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 00:28:15 -0000

Shane, this should clear up Janie's comment: http://terribleanalogies.com/images/soaplabel.png

Re: Story #16: Revelation The Second

shanusmagnus — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:12:30 -0000

Could you explain wtf that means?

It wasn't in the original request, but I should have specified: your critiques must be comprehensible. If you want to be vague and ambiguous you should write your own story.

Re: Story #16: Revelation The Second

janie — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:01:25 -0000

briefly.

liked: The sentences were beautiful, many many of them.
disliked: sometimes it felt like I was reading a dr. Bronner's bottle.